


Somebody to Put His Head on Straight

by ifnotfornatasha



Category: Brooklyn Nine-Nine (TV)
Genre: First Love, Gina Linetti is a Good Bro, Jake Peralta has Daddy Issues, Jake Peralta is Bad at Feelings, Light Angst, The Effect of Roger Peralta's Douchery, dianetti and peraltiago at end but not really important to plot
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-08
Updated: 2018-11-08
Packaged: 2019-08-20 01:47:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,228
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16546469
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ifnotfornatasha/pseuds/ifnotfornatasha
Summary: Love sucks harder than licorice and also Jake (Wink wink. But like. A sad wink wink.)Aka, Jake's first boyfriend and first heartbreak. Gina's there also, putting up with Jake's bullshit.





	Somebody to Put His Head on Straight

If Jake could describe the world in a single word, he would call it dizzy.

The universe liked running circles and circles around him while he chased behind, trying to keep track of the things that fate so clearly wanted him to lose.

He thinks that the world started spinning at around the age of seven; when his dad left. It had been slow-going before, like walking through a museum (ew) and taking in all of the Die Hard posters, one by one (what did they even put in museums?) Now, he was in a rollercoaster, with no time at all to notice anything but the twists and turns and the highs and lows. Even then, he didn't tend to notice that he had fallen until he hit rock bottom.

Jake doesn't exactly remember the day his dad left all that well, when he thinks back to it (which isn't often at all. Only on days that have him wishing his life had been just a little bit different.) He remembered his mom crying and he remembered waking up the next day with the heavy thought of _I don't have a dad anymore_ resting on his shoulders.

That's how most things went nowadays. Just, one day, he'd wake up and he'd be hit with the realization of: _I'm a little bit more alone than I was before._

And then he'd go on with his day and (try to) forget that that person existed. They left him. They hated him. They didn't want to be near him anymore. So why should he keep them alive in his mind?

_((This was a good question, but it didn't matter because Jake would still dream about them; either about who they could have been or how they might be able to kidnap or kill him or both.))_

He thinks he prefers the days when he lost things instead of people.

•

The first time of many times he says _I love you_ is to the one and only Gina Linetti.

The first time it counted, anyway, because everybody says "I love you" to their family; you have to because everybody really does loves their family. It's a given and it doesn't matter.

But Jake had the freedom to _decide_ who else he could love.

Technically, the first time he said I love you to someone he wasn't related to was John McClane, but he'd been told that it didn't count because John McClane "doesn't exist."

It was a pretty stupid reason. But anyway.

Jake didn't even know what love was.

He had heard his mom say it to his dad all the time and when he finally  
asked what it meant, his mom had told him that it's sort of like liking someone, except that you like that someone a whole lot. It was like how his favorite thing in the world was candy; he _loved_ candy, but he only _liked_ licorice on the principal that it was candy so he _had_ to like it. On all other grounds, licorice was disgusting and Jake assumed that the people who actually liked it were all evil on the inside, like Hans Gruber.

Moving on.

Jake felt about Gina like how he felt about gummy bears. He really, really, really, really liked them.

So, one day, during lunch hour, when Jake had finished throwing away his vegetables that his mom had packed him, because gross, he stated, quite matter of fact, "I love you."

Gina's response was to hurl a Pringle at him, which he picked off the grass and ate immediately after, because Jake Peralta did not waste food.

"Ew." Gina said. Jake assumed she was talking about the words, not the food, since the two had eaten far grosser things in the past (street chips, suspicious looking noodles, broccoli, etc.)

Jake didn't even try to pretend that he wasn't hurt by her negative reaction, immediately going into Pout Mode. He stuck out his bottom lip and Gina sighed, dramatically. "Kiddo, sorry to break it you, but I'm already dating."

Jake didn't really care, but they were supposed to tell each other everything (Had she forgotten?) He needed the deets. "What? Who?"

"Myself; I'm the only one good enough for me." she said, lifting her chin a little bit. Jake thought that her statement was kind of true, because Gina was pretty great person.

"Oh. Well, I don't wanna date you," Jake corrected, wrinkling his nose at the thought of it, "I just like you a whole lot. More than I like sour keys."

Gina mulled this over. "But what about roll-ups?"

It was Jake's turn to mull. "No, I think you're still below roll-ups and gummy bears, but still definitely above sour keys."

"Good," Gina said, sounding a little proud, "I wouldn't wanna be friends with someone who doesn't have their priorities straight."

"Always save the candy first in a fire." Jake nodded enthusiastically. Gina gave him an approving smile. She put her hand on his shoulder. "You've just made me a proud mama hen."

They both ignore the fact that they're practically the same age, because there is no use arguing with Gina (even though he does it anyway, because it is Jake's duty to protect John McClane, since Johnny Boy, as Gina likes to call him, can't exactly punch her himself. On the shoulder. And lightly. Punching people in the face is just rude and Gina will punch back so Jake's honestly just softly poking her.)

"And Jake?"

"Yeah?"

"Love sucks," Gina said, drily, "Love sucks like soup."

Jake disagreed then _("NUH-UH!")_ , but a week later, his dad was gone and his mom didn't have anyone to say _I love you_ to anymore. She had Jake, but he didn't count. Dad did because mom said that they weren't always married to each other; she _chose_ to love him.

Mom was just stuck with Jake.

So love did suck after all. But that didn't mean that Jake stopped saying, "I love you."

Because he was, and forever would be: _an absolute fucking idiot._

•

Jake's only friend was female.

One of his leading role models was Taylor Swift, who was second only to his mom. He painted his nails with Gina on Saturdays and sang Beyoncé with her on karaoke night at the community centre.

When they had their weekly Tuesday Taco Talk Day, Gina would consistently find a way to start talking about how he, her little baby chick, needed to spread his wings (legs) and fly (have mind-blowing and other-blowing-things sex.) The first time, Jake pointed out that even _he_ knew that chickens sucked at flying, and then she stole his entire bag of gummy bears, which, okay, _rude_. He didn't point out the faults in her metaphors after that (his gummy bears were too important.)

For once in his life, Jake actually listened to the advice that he had been given. Though, not intentionally.

Kace was a nice guy. Not like, a Nice Guy, but just... _a nice guy_. Gina understood.

He gave Jake his leftover candy, which more often than not was all of it because his dad was overbearing and liked packing his son tons of snacks despite Kace being a pretty heathy dude, something that Jake couldn't relate to. Like, at all. The fact that Kace ate vegetables by choice was enough to make Jake wary of him, but Kace must have inherited some of that overbearing nature from his dad because he seemed pretty intent on being friends with Jake.

Like, _really_ intent.

•

"Hey, Gina." Jake said, rolling onto his back, head flopping off of his bed to stare at the upside-down figure of his best friend.

She didn't answer. Possibly because she was trying to paint little tulips on her nails. Jake always did them better, but Gina was insistent that she just hadn't unlocked her true inner power yet; her true inner power of nail painting.

"What do you think of Kace?" he asked.

She continued to ignore him.

Silence. Her tiny little brush was slowly swirling around on her nail, a deep purple color. He flailed his arms around on the bed, impatient.

"Giiiinnnnaaaaaa."

Still swirling.

"Gina, I ate your mom."

Swirling, swirling, swirling.

"I made out with God and she was a really good kisser but she was totes not impressed with me because I'm Jewish so if I get struck by lightning you can tell my mom that it's all her fault."

Swirl.

Then, " _Oh, fuck!_ "

"Y'know," Jake said, leaning on his side, "You could've just asked me to do it."

"I can do it better than you, it's just that my spirit, nay, _my soul_ , is infinitely more humble than yours." Gina defiantly explained.

"Okay, Gina."

"Don't ' _okay, Gina_ ' me," Gina said, mocking his words, "You keep flaunting your inferior skill. You just wait until the day that the wolf inside of me comes out and roars. _Roars_ , in that mongoose face of yours."

"Okay, Frank."

Gina exasperatedly groaned, loudly and for a lengthy amount of time.

"So..." Jake said, drawing out the vowel, therefore interrupting her groan.

"So..." Gina repeated, mimicking him as she frustratedly wiped the polish off her nail.

"WhatdoyouthinkaboutKace?"

"Bless you."

"What," Jake replied, pausing for dramatic effect, "Do you think about Kace?"

"Tall dude, nerdy hair, perfect jaw structure, wears too much denim and once chipped his tooth after running into a wall while riding a bicycle?"

"Yes," Jake said, finger gunning her, elbows propping him up on the mattress, "Except that last part is definitely an us memory, because I did not bike into a wall, I ran into you."

Gina hummed in disagreement. "Pretty sure it was a pole, actually."

"No, no," Jake said, gently disagreeing but also pretty insistent because, uh, hello? _He_ was the one who chipped his tooth, _he_ remembered. "I definitely ran into _you_."

"Jake. _Jake_ ," Gina said. She continued without giving him a chance to mimick her and say, Gina. _Gina_. "I'm always right. Why are you disagreeing with me? You're fighting a worthless battle. It's like trying to say that licorice even cracks the top fifty on the candy list."

Jake gasped. "You _know_ we ranked licorice #137."

Gina smugly nodded. "Exactly."

She went back to trying to paint tulips while Jake was content to paint daisies on his own nails. He finished the last petal on his thumb and impatiently blew on his nails. Waiting for them to dry is the worst part.

_Perfect jaw structure._

He did have pretty good jaw structure, actually.

"Giiiinnnnnnaaaaaaa."

"Ugh, Jake, what? I'm trying to concentrate here and you are totally throwing off my roar."

"If Kace was a candy, where would you put him on the list?"

Gina paused for so long that Jake thought that she was ignoring him.

"#18."

...

Fuck.

Kace was better than Smarties.

•

He was definitely a sweet guy.

Kace helped Jake with his math homework and told people off when they tried to make fun of his actual big nose and then his "big" personality. That was just Kace's nicer way of saying that Jake was very loud and very annoying. Half the people in the school hated him. Kace, for whatever reason, was not part of that half.

In fact, Kace kind of liked him.

Which is what he told Jake, one week into February while they sat on Kace's bed.

"Noice." was his first reaction. Hurt flashed across Kace's face. Jake swallowed, hoping that his nervousness would retreat with his saliva (it didn't.) Hoarsely, he amended, "Um. Sorry. What?"

"I like you. A lot." Kace repeated earnestly and, okay. Jake isn't homophobic. He's had this conversation with Gina.

_(("Hey. Jake. How do you feel about gay people?"_

_"They cool, they cool."_

_"What do you think about lesbians kissing? Or gay dudes kissing?"_

_"In public?"_

_"Yeah."_

_"Gross, PDA."_

_"Love sucks, my brotha'. All love sucks."_

_"Equality, sister."))_

It's just that, Jake's never thought of himself as a part of that group before. But, as Kace's hand crept towards his, he didn't think he would really mind kissing guys. He might even _like_ kissing guys.

Kace's hand found it's way into Jake's grasp, and it wasn't bad. Jake knew his hand was clammy, but all he could focus on the one holding it.

Gina's hands were soft and slender, smooth from years of consistent moisturizer, a level of dedication that Jake could only dream of. Kace's hand was rough, strong; it enveloped Jake's. He didn't mind it, but he still shrank from the unfamiliarity.

"Are you okay?" Kace wondered, concerned. His hand slipped out of Jake's and he somewhat subtly wiped it on his jeans. Jake must've been sweating a lot more than he thought he had been.

"Yeah." Jake croaked, because he was sitting next to a boy that he had just held hands with. A boy that he wanted to kiss, a little bit. He felt his stomach dropping and the air started feeling a little tighter in his throat, like he was swallowing pills rather than breathing.

"Are you homophobic?" Kace asked, pulling away from Jake's side, who immediately shook his head vigorously. He felt an immediate and silly need to cry, which he didn't, but he came close to it.

"It's just–" Jake cut himself off and motioned with his hand to nothing at all. "'s all new."

He hated how scared he felt.

Kace was a great guy; kind, patient, loving and passionate. Everything in his veins was telling Jake that he wanted this, wanted this relationship with Kace, but something more deep-seated was scared and telling him to step away.

These worries were completely unfounded. Kace wasn't dangerous. Gina even did a background check on him, he had no idea how she did that, but regardless, he was a proven normal dude. A normal #18 dude.

So why was he so afraid?

"Can I kiss you?" Kace asked, leaning in.

"Yeah." Jake squeaked, breathlessly. His eyes were wide open; terrified.

And Kace brought his lips to Jake, lips soft. It took Jake a second to get into the moment, to remember that, while kissing, you usually. Well. _Kiss_.

He shut his eyes, pressing his mouth into Kace's, whose hand found its way to the back of Jake's neck. He tasted warm, like the first day of summer.

 _Definitely_ better than Smarties.

•

It was good, for a while. Sure, the kids at school thought that they were suspicious, but it was all worth it for what they got to do when they were alone.

... Watch Die Hard, make out sometimes and eat snacks.

Maybe they weren't the most _picturesque_ couple, but Jake liked them where they were. But as every day went by, Kace would kiss a little bit harder, would hold him a little bit closer.

Meanwhile, Jake was holding Kace at an arm's length and he knew it.

He liked Kace, he did. But everything about him was so undeniably not Gina, not Karen, not Jenny, nothing familiar. Jake didn't want a romantic relationship with (most) of those people (gross), but he felt like he was trying to walk a straight line while it was raining and he was on a boat on the water and he was drunk and there was a tornado.

He shared these concerns with Gina.

"Jake," was what she said first. She stared a little bit harder. " _Jake_."

"Gina," Jake mimicked, " _Gina_."

"Ya got dem daddy issues, my little chicken."

" _Whaaaaaaaat?_ " Jake immediately denied. He couldn't have daddy issues if he didn't have a daddy. Dad. Father.

Whatever.

"Guys have hurt you before, kiddo," Gina said, matter-of-fact, which was how she always spoke.

"But Kace is literally the third best thing to happen to me!" Jake said. Gina and Die Hard were the top two, but not necessarily in that order. Gina didn't need to know that.

"Yeah, but they've hurt you–" she tapped her heart, "–right here. In your special organ."

Jake rolled his eyes and spluttered, "I do not have problems with dudes!"

"Then you are _definitely_ having sex this weekend."

Jake flushed. "'scuse me?"

"Kace is very forward. I mean like, 48% of the school is homophobic enough to beat gay people up. Our school gets at least like, a C in extreme homophobia."

"Not seeing your point so far, but what about the other like, 60%?"

"I'm getting there, but they're all at least mildly homophobic or closeted homophobic, which basically means that they're also closeted gay people."

"I thought all homophobic people were secretly gay," Jake said, before gasping loudly. He continued, "Our entire school is _gay!_ "

Gina fingergunned him. "Hell yeah it is, Jacobeth."

"Not even gonna ask."

"Great, because back to my point," Gina said, punctuating each word with a clap, "Kace is gonna want sex."

"Right!" Jake grinned before immediately contorting his face into one of confusion. "Why?"

"If he's forward enough to ask a possibly extremely homophobic secretly gay guy to kiss him, right around this point in your relationship–" Gina put her hand to her mouth like she was telling a secret, "–he's gonna want the D."

"I haven't even had sex with a girl! I don't know how to do sex. Gina, give me pointers!"

" _What?_ Ew, no."

"Good choice, I would have asked way too many questions."

"Right, well, you're gonna come away from this weekend still a virgin because." Gina paused for dramatic effect, staring Jake down. "You be scared of dudes, kiddo."

"I am not! John McClane and I are like, basically best buds!"

"John McClane is fictional."

Jake put his hand over his right nonexistent pec. "My heart!"

"Your heart's on the other side."

He fixed his mistake. "My heart!"

"Mhm, yeah, kay, come back to me when you're done having issues."

"That's not fair." Jake pouted.

"You're right, you have too many issues," Gina poo-pooed, patting his head, "It's okay though, you're my problematic fave."

"Thanks, Gina."

•

Kace did want sex, after all.

It was Saturday night, Kace's parents were out, the movie was over and they were cuddling on his bed, because by some miracle, he had a TV in his room. Kace's arms were wrapped around Jake. His hands wandered around Jake's body, one finding a spot on his thigh, fingers softly circling.

"Hey." Kace whispered. His left hand's fingers touched Jake's chin, softly nudging his face in the direction of his own.

It was dark, the lights out from when they'd been watching Die Hard. Still, Jake could see Kace's dark brown eyes, looking at him expectantly. He brought him in for kiss; a kiss that Jake accepted gladly.

Kace shifted, pillows rustling, and he straddling Jake's body, deepening the kiss. He moaned; his skin hot to the touch.

"Wait." Jake groaned, Kace's hands halfway from getting his belt off.

"What?" Kace huffed, impatiently.

"I just–" Jake sat himself up on his elbows, back to the bed, "I don't know. About this."

"We've been dating for weeks, Jake."

"Yeah, but–"

"Are you still ' _nervous_?'" Kace asked, incredulous. "Really?"

Jake stumbled through an explanation, trying to remember the things that Gina had said that he had previously scoffed at, they had sounded so ridiculous. But now, his heart beating fast– _not in a sexy way_ – and seeing this guy above him, big and powerful, his thoughts weren't on how awesome the sex would be, which it probably would be, his thoughts were of fears. He's letting Kace have power, letting him be able to do whatever he wanted, to _hurt_ Jake if he wanted to–

 _Fuck, fuck, fuck,_ he's spiralling.

"I'm sorry," Jake breathes, his obviously annoyed and frustrated boyfriend still looking at him with a look. An _expecting_ look. "I just– I gotta go."

So he did.

•

Things were rocky after that.

Kace's grip on him was awkward. Jake shrugged it off enough times that he stopped holding him entirely. He missed his warmth, but even he knew that he wasn't being fair, no matter what Gina said, who wasn't boarding the Blame Jake Train.

But the fact was, he put them in their position; if he hadn't had a freaker then they could have been perfectly happy. Two perfectly happy, currently fucking boyfriends. Maybe not currently, because he's not really into public sex (probably), but like, over that period of time, they'd fuck. A lot. But like, a healthy amount.

Sex makes up at least half the relationship and if Jake can't even give his boyfriend that then he's basically sucking at this whole dating thing.

He really sucks at it a week later.

(But not how Kace would like.)

•

"You are such a _fucking_ asshole."

Jake burned red as his boyfriend stared him down. Thank god Kace's parents were out again. Although, them being gone was also a big factor into their current fight.

"I put my all into this relationship. You've always had one foot out the door and it's not fucking fair."

_Arm's length away._

"Do you even have anything to say to me?" Kace growls, taking note of Jake's silence. "No defence? Just taking it like a _fucking bitch_?"

Jake stares at his feet, wringing his hands together.

" _Get out of my house, you fucking asshole_."

He hurries on his pants and goes.

•

It wasn't for a lack of trying.

He had _wanted_ to fuck his boyfriend (cough, cough, _be_ fucked) but his body had been _so_ not into it. Like, Kace's hands all over his body, his hot, wet mouth on Jake's lips... Jake loved all of that. And he had hoped that somehow, Kace wouldn't have noticed the stark difference between their boner sizes, or lack thereof, but sex is always best between _participating_ people and Jake's body had _so_ not been getting the memo.

"Jake." Gina interrupted. "I tolerate you and all, but I do not wanna hear about whether you could or could not get it up."

"But Giiinnnnnaaaaa," Jake wailed, "I don't have a boyfriend anymore."

"Yeah, that sucks." Gina replied, patting his head. She dangled a green and orange sour gummy worm in front of him and dropped it into his mouth hole. It was her secret stash from last Halloween, meant only for emergencies. Jake wasn't sure if him crying on her floor counts as an emergency, per se, but she apparently thought it did.

"I'm gonna be alone _forever_." Jake cried, moodily munching on his gummy worm, trying not to choke. Gina was sitting crisscross applesauce on the floor and Jake was leaning his head on her knee. He had been on her bed, but then he'd slid off onto the floor, face down, where he belonged.

_(("Oh, you absolute fucking emo."))_

"I'm sure you'll meet a weirdo in the future who tolerates you possibly more than I do."

"That's not possible." Jake argued.

"Maybe some day, someone will–" Gina gagged, "– _love_ you."

"But love sucks." Jake replied, confused.

"Yeah." she agreed, "It does. But maybe it won't. One day. In the future."

Jake sat up to look at her, suspiciously. He fished a gummy worm out of the bag, stuck it in his mouth and squinted his eyes at her. "... _Gina_."

"I'm just thinking of the glass half full, Jacobeth. _Optimism!_ "

He continued to squint.

" _Okay fine!_ Optimism sucks and I drank the glass and then I broke it." Gina said, surrendering her thoughts to him. "There's this chick in my math class that's like, really hot. Her name is Giselle Carter."

"The emo one?"

"Yes! The emo one! There are at least fifteen ways we could have our first kiss, Jake. Fifteen. Never mind, now there's sixteen."

"Tell me more, tell me more, like does she have a car?" Jake sang, perfectly with pitch and also key.

"Please don't ever sing again."

"Noted."

•

Gina didn't end up making out with Giselle any of the twenty-two ways (she had a lot of time to think), because Giselle Carter turned out to be a gigantic homophobe.

And so, on a lovely Saturday afternoon, she and Jake both wallowed in their pain together, lying face down on each other's floors, ignoring the liquid leaking out of their eyes, which wasn't tears because they weren't crying.

Jake tried his best to forget about Kace, who ghosted him until they graduated and Gina started going off about how she was better off without Giselle, even though she'd spent _way_ too many hours talking about how every aspect about Giselle was perfect before they found out that Giselle was an asshole.

They go back to painting tulips and daisies on their fingernails, vowing to each other to never fall in love again.

_((They fail spectacularly at this._

_They "fall in love" at least twenty-one more times during their highschool careers, that's both of them put together, and they successfully date exactly zero of them. Again, that's their numbers crunched together._

_They both fall in love several more times between highschool and working at the nine-nine, neither of them bothering to count anymore._

_When Gina meets Rosa, she forms what one might call a small nagging sensation: a crush. It simmers._

_When Jake meets Amy, he also forms a nagging sensation, only, it's not small. It's a gigantic... hatred for Santiago. Because he hates her. So much. She's annoying, she's organized and her eyes are absolutely fucking gorgeous._

_Neither of them are in love._

_... Yet.))_

**Author's Note:**

> yo yo yo I'll have y'all know that when I say "Smarties" I mean Canadian Smarties. American Smarties = Rockets and Sweet Tarts or whatever they're called =/= Rockets
> 
> aLSO I KNOW I'M WRITING LITERALLY EVERYTHING EXCEPT FOR THE LAST CHAPTER OF STATIC
> 
> BUT
> 
> to be fair I wrote this a really long time ago and I intended it to be a 5 + 1 but I didn't think the other ideas for parts were as strong as this piece.
> 
> hope y'all enjoyed and also I just go Insta for this writing thing!! so please follow me I need the clout lmao
> 
> tumblr: @motherbucker  
> instagram: @motherbvcker
> 
> ((motherbucker was taken lmao)


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